“Transplant Wilt”
and
Ways to Survive a Move
by Oralee Stiles
It happens to plants; it happens to us. When we move, we are “uprooted,” “transplanted” and we wilt. Plants need time, water and soil for the tiny hair like roots to grow again after being torn. They take time to reorient to another part of the earth. Plants need time and attention to flourish in a new location.
About half way through the 21 moves I made after I was married, I began to realize I needed even more time and care than a plant did when I was “transplanted.” My connections and life patterns were torn with each move, just like the roots of a plant. My family had moved 13 times before I was 8 years old. Memories of what my mother endured had more potency for me as an adult going through my own moves.
How could I help myself, my family and others go through a move with less harm and more understanding? The suggestions in this article are drawn from my own experiences, interviews and the research I did to create workshops on “Transplant Wilt” which I held in the United States.
Over the years, I have met many women who upon moving expected they would immediately be able to keep up the pace of life they had in their last home. They felt inadequate or that something was wrong when they were still adjusting to the move. It took me many moves to overcome this expectation. I realized there is often no breathing room between endings and beginnings. Moving out of a home, town, country is one job. Setting up a household in another town or country is a different job. Each one requires an enormous amount of work and is a full-time job beyond what has to take place to keep daily life functioning. No wonder I couldn’t keep up the pace!
I still have to remind myself that moving has a surgical quality to it. Much is cut away with each move. Leaving behind family and friends, pets, a home you created, a job that gave you recognition and importance, activities you enjoyed – are all losses that you grieve. People understand grieving the death of a family member or friend. And yet we fail to recognize we go through some of the same process at a different level with the numerous other “endings” in our lives.
Grief impacts how we function emotionally and physically. Ignoring the grief accompanying a move leads to misunderstandings about yourself and your family. Human beings have a great capacity to hold seemingly contradictory feelings at the same time. We need acknowledgment and room for our sadness without someone trying to fix it or think we are not also excited about the new possibilities ahead of us.
The whole family needs extra care and attention once they are “transplanted.” When there is no understanding and allowance for this, people often turn or return to destructive habits. There may be an increase in the use of alcohol, tobacco, caffeine, sugar and other drugs. Creating an environment and expectations that nurture you and the family can help alleviate the need for artificial stimulants and relaxants. This is even more important when you have moved to another country and culture where you don’t have familiar psychological and medical services and are dealing with language barriers.
Ways to help yourself through “transplant wilt”:
- GET MORE REST AND SLEEP than usual for, at least, the first 2 to 4 months. Plan for it so it doesn’t feel like you are stealing it. Take more naps, go to bed at night when tired even when it means leaving things undone. Be understanding with yourself and your family about this. It is not a sign of getting older or of a rare tropical disease. Your body and mind are doing a tremendous amount of adjusting work, well beyond what you are conscious of, and they need more rest to function properly. You have to make an overwhelming number of decisions and that is also tiring. If the heat and humidity are quite different from the last place, adjusting to it also requires more rest.
- EAT FOODS THAT NURTURED YOU AS A CHILD, alternating with the new, exciting and unusual foods of Penang. Food associations have a great deal to do with our mental and emotional wellbeing. What your mother gave you when you came home from school or when you were sick can have a healing quality now. Familiar food helps make the transition. Gradually the local food here will become familiar and the need for food from your motherland diminishes.
- GIVE ROOM FOR DOWN TIMES. Your body will go through changes and perhaps illness. It is very common to experience an initial weight gain or loss. Previous exercise routines are difficult to maintain. Greater fatigue often leads to eating more sweets and high calorie foods. Depression in varying degrees set in for many people. This also makes getting settled a longer process. After the first burst of energy in getting things set up so life can go on, there is usually a down time when you feel discouraged.
- CALL, WRITE, AND EMAIL FRIENDS. Invite them to visit you. Having someone come to visit often provides the stimulus for another round of getting things settled and in order. Some friendships take off through email. Other friends may not respond as often or as quickly as you would like. Your friends back home feel the loss of you leaving before you leave and begin their grieving then. You are so busy making plans and moving that you usually feel the loss after you get to the new place. Meanwhile, your friends have gone on with their life and begun to fill in the hole left by your departure. You are in the new place without new friends and that is when your grieving intensifies.
- APPLY RIGHT AWAY FOR PHONE LINES AND EMAIL PROVIDERS. Many people here found it took several weeks or months to get everything set up. You can use a call back service to reduce international phone costs.
- JOIN AWA and other organizations that can help you adjust to the new place. Go to any newcomer gatherings and look for one other woman you could call for mutual support. Join groups that share special interests. Don’t wait to get totally unpacked or settled. That job goes on for a long time and can get very discouraging. It helps to have other interests and people to change the pace.
- APPRECIATE THE INTENSE CHANGES YOU AND YOUR PARTNER ARE GOING THROUGH. It is very common during and after a high stress move, for any difference in sexual interests and energy to be more exaggerated. Men usually want more sex and woman are usually less interested. (Sometimes this goes the other way.) This is rough for couples to deal with but knowing it won’t last forever helps. Women usually need more rest and more time getting other personal needs met before their interest in sex flourishes. Men usually find sex allows for deeper rest and lowers their anxiety level so in high stress times, they want more. If men can add some other ways of relieving high stress and woman can get more personal time, then there is usually more freedom for a better sexual relationship.
- CREATE A SACRED SPACE FOR YOURSELF. Use a shelf, table, counter or dresser top to create a beautiful arrangement of items, books, pictures that have special spiritual significance for you. This space can serve as a focus for gratitude, prayer or mediation. Add fresh flowers and perhaps light a candle when you pray. Change the items to keep it fresh and compelling for you. You can also use this space to focus on issues troubling you or to help you communicate difficult concerns with others in your family. Children are often interested in having their own sacred space. Some families create one together.
In summary, if you remember only one thing, let it be this: BE KIND TO YOURSELF, BE KIND TO YOURSELF, BE KIND TO YOURSELF.
Stephen Levine said, “Being kind to yourself is probably the most difficult thing you will ever do.” When someone has major surgery or a heart transplant, others understand they need time to recuperate before picking up a regular life style. You have gone through major surgery on the emotional, energetic and geographic levels. You will also form new connections for your heart. This requires attention, rest, humor, putting things in a proper (or improper) perspective, and being kind to yourself.
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Oralee Stiles is a spiritual counselor, writer and workshop leader from Portland, Oregon, USA. She is living in Penang for 6 months with AWA member, Helen Hull and her husband, Robert Preus.
written for the AWA Expressions Magazine, February, 1998, in Penang, Malaysia